Jokes

(Updated 2/12/2000)


GOD'S BILLBOARDS


Some new billboards are getting some attention in the Southeastern United States, and more recently in Dallas. Here's a list of all the variations of the "God Speaks" billboards. The billboards are a simple black background with white text. No fine print or sponsoring organization is included. And some of these can be found on wooden plaques, displayed (for sale) on the walls just outside the restrooms at Cracker Barrel, St. Charles.

THREE LITTLE PIGS


A first grader was sitting in class as the teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to acquire building materials for his home. She said "...And so the pig went up to the man with a wheelbarrow full of straw and said, 'Pardon me, sir, but might I have some of that straw to build my house with?'"

Then the teacher asked the class, "And what do you think that man said?" and my friend's son raised his hand and said, "I know! I know! 'Holy smokes! A talking pig!'"


TEN COMMANDMENTS


A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to honor thy father and thy mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"

Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."


KISSES


An honest seven-year-old admitted calmly to her parents that Billy Brown had kissed her after class.

"How did that happen?" gasped her mother.

"It wasn't easy," admitted the young lady, "but three girls helped me catch him."


WHITE HAIRS


One day, a little girl is sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly notices that her mother has several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looks at her mother and inquisitively asks, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"

Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while, and then said, "So, Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"


GROUP PICTURES


The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer; she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, he's a doctor.'"

A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher; she's dead."


HEAD AND FEET


A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, he said, "Now, boys, if I stood on my head the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I should turn red in the face."

"Yes, sir," the boys said.

"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"

A little fellow shouted, "Cause yer feet ain't empty."


BABIES


For weeks, a six-year old lad kept telling his first-grade teacher about the baby brother or sister that was expected at his house. One day the mother allowed the boy to feel the movements of the unborn child. The six-year old was obviously impressed, but made no comment. Furthermore, he stopped telling his teacher about the impending event. The teacher finally sat the boy on her lap and said, "Tommy, whatever has become of that baby brother or sister you were expecting at home?"

Tommy burst into tears and confessed, "I think Mommy ate it!"


LEAF LOGIC


A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, and looked at the old pages as he turned them. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible, and he picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that had been pressed in between the pages.

"Mommy, look what I found!" the boy called out.

"What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked.

With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's suit!?!?!?"


COMMUNICATION STYLES


About a century or two ago, the Pope decided that all the Jews had to leave Rome. Naturally there was a big uproar from the Jewish community. So the Pope made a deal. He would have a religious debate with a member of the Jewish community. If the Jew won, the Jews could stay. If the Pope won, the Jews would leave.

The Jews realized that they had no choice. So they picked a middle aged man named Moishe to represent them. Moishe asked for one addition to the debate. To make it more interesting, neither side would be allowed to talk. The Pope agreed.

The day of the great debate came. Moishe and the Pope sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Moishe looked back at him and raised one finger. The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head. Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine. Moishe pulled out an apple. The Pope stood up and said, "I give up. This man is too good. The Jews can stay."

An hour later, the cardinals were all around the Pope asking him what had happened. The Pope said, "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions. Then I waved my fingers around me to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground and showing that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us from our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?"

Meanwhile, the Jewish community had crowded around Moishe. "What happened?" they asked.

"Well," said Moishe, "first he said to me that the Jews had three days to get out of here. I told him that not one of us was leaving. Then he told me that this whole city would be cleared of Jews. I let him know that we were staying right here."

"Yes, yes, and then...???" asked the crowd.

"I don't know," said Moishe. "He took out his lunch, and I took out mine."


SUNDAY SCHOOL WISDOM


Here are some words of wisdom from Sunday school students:

In the first book of the Bible, Guinesses, God got tired of creating the world, so He took the Sabbath off.

Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.

Sampson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.

The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert.

The First Commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.

Moses died before he ever reached Canada.

St. John, the blacksmith, dumped water on his head.

One of the opossums was St. Matthew who was by profession a taximan.

Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you. He also explained, "Man doth not live by sweat alone."



A Sunday school teacher asked her little children, as they were on the way to church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"

One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."


The preacher was wired for sound with a lapel mike, and as he preached, he moved briskly about the platform, jerking the mike cord as he went. Then he moved to one side, getting wound up in the cord and nearly tripping before jerking it again. After several circles and jerks, a little girl in the third pew leaned toward her mother and whispered, "If he gets loose, will he hurt us?"


Six-year old Angie and her four-year old brother Joel were sitting together in church. Joel giggled, sang and talked out loud. Finally, his big sister had had enough. "You're not supposed to talk out loud in church."

"Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked.

Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, "See those two men standing by the door? They're hushers."


My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?"

I mentally polished my halo while I asked, "No, how are we alike?"

"You're both old," he replied.


A ten-year old, under the tutelage of her grandmother, was becoming quite knowledgeable about the Bible. Then one day she floored her grandmother by asking, "Which Virgin was the mother of Jesus? The virgin Mary or the King James Virgin?"


A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments. They were ready to discuss the last one. The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it was.

Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted, "Thou shall not take the covers off the neighbor's wife."


I had been teaching my three-year old daughter, Caitlin, the Lord's Prayer. For several evenings at bedtime, she would repeat after me the lines from the prayer. Finally, she decided to go solo. I listened with pride as she carefully enunciated each word, right up to the end of the prayer: "Lead us not into temptation," she prayed, "but deliver us some E-mail. Amen."


A little boy was in a relative's wedding. As he was coming down the aisle, he would take two steps, stop, and turn to the crowd. While facing the crowd, he would put his hands up like claws and roar. So it went, step, step, ROAR, step, step, ROAR, all the way down the aisle. As you can imagine, the crowd was near tears from laughing so hard by the time he reached the pulpit. The little boy, however, was getting more and more distressed from all the laughing, and was also near tears by the time he reached the pulpit. When asked what he was doing, the child sniffed and said, "I was being the Ring Bear."


One Sunday in a Midwest city, a young child was "acting up" during the morning worship hour. The parents did their best to maintain some sense of order in the pew but were losing the battle. Finally, the father picked the little fellow up and walked sternly up the aisle on his way out. Just before reaching the safety of the foyer, the little one called loudly to the congregation, "Pray for me! Pray for me!"


And one particular four-year old prayed, "And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets."


A little boy was overheard praying: "Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time like I am."


Three women escaped from a prison - a redhead, a brunette, and a blonde. They realized the cops were behind them, so they darted into a barn and hid.

The sheriff and his deputy drove up to the barn. The sheriff told the deputy to see what was inside. The deputy went in, and yelled, "There's just a loft in here!"

The sheriff said, "Well, climb up there and tell me what you see!"

The deputy climbed up and said, "There's just three gunnysacks up here!"

The sheriff said, "Well, see what's in each one!"

The deputy went to the first one and kicked it. The redhead yelled, "Bow-wow!"

He yelled down, "There's just a dog in this one!"

The sheriff said, "Well, check the next one!"

The deputy kicked the second one. The brunette yelled, "Meow!"

He yelled down, "There's a cat in this one!"

The sheriff said, "Well, check the last one!"

The deputy kicked the last bag. There was no sound. He kicked it again. Still no sound. He kicked it a third time, and the blonde yelled, "Potatoes!"


A travel agent looked up from his desk to see an old lady and an old gentleman peering in the shop window at the posters showing the glamorous destinations around the world. The agent had had a good week and the dejected couple looking in the window gave him a rare feeling of generosity.

He called them into his shop: "I know that on your pension you could never hope to have a holiday, so I am sending you off to a fabulous resort at my expense, and I won't take no for an answer." He took them inside and asked his secretary to write two flight tickets and book a room in a five star hotel. They, as can be expected, gladly accepted, and were off!

About a month later the little old lady came in to his shop. "And how did you like your holiday?" he asked eagerly.

"The flight was exciting and the room was lovely," she said. "I've come to thank you. But, one thing puzzled me. Who was that old guy I had to share the room with?"


One day a father and his rich family took his son on a trip to the country with the firm purpose to show him how poor people can be. They spent a day and a night in the farm of a very poor family. When they got back from their trip the father asked his son, "How was the trip?"
"Very good Dad!"
"Did you see how poor people can be?" the father asked.
"Yeah!"
"And what did you learn?"
The son answered, "I saw that we have a dog at home, and they have four. We have a pool that reaches to the middle of the garden, they have a creek that has no end.We have imported lamps in the garden, they have the stars. Our patio reaches to the front yard, they have a whole horizon."
When the little boy was finished, his father was speechless. His son added, "Thanks, Dad, for showing me how poor we are!"


Miss Bea was in her eighties and much admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. The pastor came to call on her one afternoon early in spring and she welcomed him into her Victorian parlor.
She invited him to have a seat while she prepared a little tea. As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it, filled with water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom! Imagine his shock and surprise. Imagine his curiosity! Surely Miss Bea had flipped...or something! But he certainly couldn't mention the strange sight in her parlor.
When she returned with tea and cookies, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him, and he could resist no longer.
"Miss Bea" he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this," pointing to the bowl.
"Oh yes," she replied, "isn't it wonderful? I was walking downtown last fall, and I found this little package. It said to put it on the organ and keep it wet, and it would prevent disease. And you know, I think it's working! I haven't had a cold all winter!"


This lady surprised a burglar in her kitchen. He was all loaded down with the things he was going to steal. She had no weapon and was all alone. The only thing that she could think to do was quote scripture. So, she holds up a hand and says: "ACTS 2:38!!!"
The burglar quakes in fear and then freezes to the point that she is able to get to the phone and call 911 for the cops. When the cops arrive, the burglar is still frozen in place. They are very much surprised that a woman alone with no weapon could do this. One of them asked the lady: "How did you do this?"
The woman replied: "I quoted scripture."
The cop turned the burglar: "What was it about the scripture that had such an effect on you?"
The burglar replied: "Scripture! What scripture? I thought she said she had an axe and two 38's!"


A blond woman named Babbette finds herself in dire trouble. Her business has gone bust and she's in serious financial trouble. She's so desperate that she decides to ask God for help. She begins to pray. "God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lotto." Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it.
Babbette again prays. "God, please let me win the lotto! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well." Lotto night comes and Babbette still has no luck.
Once again, she prays. "My God, why have you forsaken me?? I've lost my business, my house, and my car. My children are starving. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. PLEASE just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order.
"Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Babbette is confronted by the voice of God Himself: "Babbette, meet Me halfway on this. Buy a ticket!"


A farmer named Muldoon lived alone in the countryside with a pet dog that he loved and doted on. After many long years of companionship, the dog finally died so Muldoon went to the parish priest.

"Father, my dear old dog is dead. Could you be saying a mass for the creature?"

Father Patrick replied, "I am so very sorry to hear about your dog's death. But, unfortunately we cannot have services for an animal in the church. However, there's a new denomination down the road, no telling what they believe, but maybe they'll do something for the animal."

Muldoon said, "I'll go right now. Do you think $500 is enough to donate for the service?"

Father Patrick: "Why didn't you tell me the dog was Catholic?!"




Catholic Dictionary
AMEN:The only part of a prayer that everyone knows.
BULLETIN:1. Parish information, read only during the homily.
2. Catholic air conditioning.
3. Your receipt for attending Mass.
CHOIR:A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the congregation to lip-sync.
HOLY WATER:A liquid whose chemical formula is H2OLY.
HYMN:A song of praise, usually sung in a key three octaves higher than that of the congregation's range.
RECESSIONAL HYMN:The last song at Mass, often sung a little more quietly, since most of the people have already left.
INCENSE:Holy Smoke!
JESUITS:An order of priests known for their ability to found colleges with good basketball teams.
JONAH:The original "Jaws" story.
JUSTICE:When kids have kids of their own.
KYRIE ELEISON:The only Greek words that most Catholics can recognize besides gyros and baklava.
MAGI:The most famous trio to attend a baby shower.
MANGER:1. Where Mary gave birth to Jesus because Joseph wasn't covered by an HMO.
2. The Bible's way of showing us that holiday travel has always been rough.
PEW:A medieval torture device still found in Catholic Churches.
PROCESSION:The ceremonial formation at the beginning of Mass, consisting of altar servers, the celebrant, and late parishioners looking for seats.
RECESSIONAL:The ceremonial procession at the conclusion of Mass - led by parishioners trying to beat the crowd to the parking lot.
RELICS:People who have been going to Mass for so long, they actually know when to sit, kneel, and stand.
TEN COMMANDMENTS:The most important Top Ten list not given by David Letterman.
USHERS:The only people in the parish who don't know the seating capacity of a pew.




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